Social anxiety is a curse

Well, after trying to relax for several days without any good result, I've started to think twice about how my life is, and I just thought about my social anxiety, because that is something that has haunted me my entire life. Now it is time to write about how it feels for me to have this fucking curse.


First of all, social anxiety is when you are afraid of situations where you are in company with others, and you have to talk. I find this situations extremely unpleasant, and I just feel to sit with my legs until my body and disappear from the scene as quickly as possible. Why I call this "disorder" for a curse is because I do not have the ability to actually get friends and dare to do anything fun with them without me feel uncomfortable in the situation. 
If someone talks to me, I wish to hide, but other peoples than myself might not see that on me, because I do answer them if they speak to me. 


The worst part of having a social anxiety is that I can't do anything with the problem. I have tried to "work on it", I have tried to accept it, I have tried to fight it with all my strength, but I didn't get anywhere with it, so I'm stucked with it forever. Even the persons I have known for several years now, I still feel uncomfortable with if they are to sudden for me. I am good at expressing myself when I'm writing, but when it comes to oral expression, I suck, literally.

What happens when I am in a situation when I have to socialise with others? My heart beats faster, I begin to stutter, my body starts to shake technology integrates seamless almost, that is.. Sometimes I start to sweat or I'm getting really cold. And I also wants to scream out loud, telling everyone to go away. Leave me alone.


But after all, the only two things I want to leave me alone, is the loneliness and the fear of company.